Coping with Grief During the Holidays
by Cheryl McQueen, M.A., Reg.N., Grief Counsellor
Holidays are often difficult for anyone who has experienced the death of someone loved. Sights, sounds and smells trigger memories of Christmases past. With these memories comes a truckload of mixed feelings: fear and frustration, pleasure and pain, joy and sorrow. These feelings may be overwhelming, or downright paralyzing. This is normal. Remember, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Each person must design their own path to healing. That path starts with recognizing that it is OK to grieve. Grieving has to occur, otherwise, it's like a wound that doesn't heal properly. Bear in mind that you won't always have to do Christmas this way, but for the time being, this is how you must cope.
Feelings
Ignoring grief won't make the pain go away. The biggest thing is talking about the pain, especially around the holiday. Connect with those friends and relatives who understand that the holiday season can increase your sense of loss; associate with those who will allow you to talk openly about your feelings. Openly express to your family how you feel. You may wish to light a candle in memory of your loved one: one for the grief, one for the courage, one for the memories and one for our love.
Customs
Decide what traditions you want to continue and which new ones you would like to begin. Some find it helpful to have Christmas dinner at a different house or at a different time. Entertain the same people you normally did, but do it with smaller groups. Go to a resort or take a tour with a friend or with a group. Again it depends upon the individual. For some, keeping with the traditions they have always followed is the best way to remember their loved ones. Other may find that these traditions are too painful. They opt to change the way they will celebrate the holidays.
Emotional Time Out
Emotional needs may change from day to day. Be prepared for natural mood swings and for your perspective to change. Many do not wish to break down at family get-togethers. Bereaved people suggest that prior to visiting family or friends, put on a favorite song, (love songs or sad songs are excellent) or look at photos of your deceased loved one; let the tears fall where they may. Indulge your grief; this is your gift to yourself. When emotions are temporarily depleted, it makes it easier to take on the day.
Consider changing surroundings or traditions to diminish stress. Limit social and family commitments to suit lower energy level that grief will necessarily bring. Accept offers from people who want to help you with shopping decorating or other chores. Have photo albums out, including pictures of holiday past. Talk with others about the past, and about what you are feeling now. This will bring healing and help you to become free to move into the future.
Gifts
For some, just the thought of shopping for gifts brings on great emotional stress. To eliminate the stress: shop early in the season, or early in the day. Combine shopping with a pleasurable lunch or movie with a friend. Shop by catalogue, shop by phone or give money in cards.
Cards
Send cards or not to send cards? What to say? Many bereaved people send an annual holiday letter which can be duplicated in some form. This letter can be used to inform others of the death of your loved one. If the circumstances of the death were such that most would not necessarily know of them (sudden or traumatic) it can be healing to write what happened and share those circumstances.
Service
Volunteer to help at soup kitchens, food banks, homes for the elderly, hospitals for sick children or assist police in distributing gifts to the homeless. Donate a gift in memory of your loved one. Reaching out to others helps you reach out to yourself.
Worship
If your faith is important, joining others in a communal act of worship can be comforting. Attend a holiday service or special religious ceremony. Fill your spiritual need by associating with people who understand and respect your desire to pray and talk about common beliefs.
Conclusion
Sometimes, the anticipation of any holiday can often be much worse than the actual event. If by chance you do find yourself suddenly enjoying the holidays, don't feel guilty; having a good time does not mean that you have forgotten your loved one. You cannot change the past, but you can take care of the present to help you heal in the future.