Grief Relief: Easing Holiday Blues
by Victor Parachin
Although it is only the middle of November, Vicki, a midwestern public relations writer, records these words in her diary: "Like a bear, I wish I could hibernate from today until after January 1. Hanukkah, Christmas, New Year's Day are coming. While most people revel in these holidays, I find myself feeling sadder and sadder as those dates come closer because my brother was killed in an automobile accident last December."
In Atlanta, GA, Colin, a computer store manager has received his first Christmas card. It shows a couple embracing in front of a fireplace. Under an exquisitely decorated Christmas tree are many beautifully wrapped gifts. "The couple on the card seem so peaceful, so content, so happy," Colin confides later to a friend. "But my Christmas will never again be like that because my beloved wife, Sandra, died eight months ago. The holiday leaves me feeling empty, exhausted and cheated."
Most people who have suffered the death of a loved one could easily identify with Vicki and Colin. In spite of all the glamour and glitter connected to the holidays, those who have experienced the death of a loved one during the preceding year find the holidays—Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas—to be a very difficult time. However, no one has to suffer passively through the holidays.
Here are some steps recommend for the grieving, which can be taken to ease holiday blues and pave the way for greater holiday happiness.
• Think, speak and act positively. Starting the holiday season by saying to yourself "I hate this time of year!" firmly establishes a harsh, negative view that will further depress your mood, attitudes and actions. "Our life is what our thoughts make it," noted the ancient writer Marcus Aurelius. Rather than set yourself up for a difficult, depressing holiday season begin thinking, speaking and acting more positively about holidays.
• Stop all negative thoughts as soon as they begin and replace them with positive, uplifting ones such as these: "In spite of loss, I will try to enjoy this season." Or, instead of thinking, "This time of year accentuates my loneliness," tell yourself, "The holidays provide me with a wonderful opportunity to deepen existing friendships and establish new ones." And, rather than saying, "The holidays are so hectic and stressful; I'll be glad when they re over," remind yourself, "I will pace myself carefully and enjoy all the sights and sounds of this beautiful season." By using such affirmative sentences, you open the door to a holiday season of hope and pleasure versus one of despair and pain.
• Examine expectations. It is not only the bereaved who suffer during holidays. Others who have recently become unemployed, experienced a separation or divorce, moved to a new city or are physically ill also find this a difficult time. It is unrealistic to expect the holidays to be as memorable as ones in the past when there has been any major life change and challenge.
Consider the example of Barry, a California executive who was laid off when his company was acquired by another corporation. "I was let go in mid September and fully confident I would have a new position within a month. However, when December came and I was still unemployed, I began to sink deeper into depression. The holidays were coming and I didn't have a job or an income. I was feeling extremely discouraged and despondent until a friend reminded me that this is the holiday to 'Keep it simple!'
Immediately, I realized he was right. So I factored in the reality of my unemployment and kept the demands on my time, energy, emotions and pocketbook to a minimum. That simple act took a lot of stress out of my life and helped me actually enjoy the holidays in spite of unemployment."
His example is a good guideline for grievers who suffer financial hardship because of a loss. Family survivors should sit down together and examine their expectations for the holiday by coming to an agreement on the best way to celebrate when there is an "empty chair." While such a meeting can result in keeping traditions basically the same or altering them completely, what is important is that the family talks, agrees and plans together.
• Reach out and help someone else. An effective way to elevate your mood is to assist another person. We experience healing by helping others. Holidays present a unique opportunity to volunteer your time because most welfare organizations experience greater needs and therefore can use more helpers. Consider donating your time at a soup kitchen, youth clinic, homeless shelter, the Salvation Army or "adopt" a needy family by buying all of them gifts for Christmas.
"I often try to put depressed patients in contact with someone they can help, for there is something therapeutic about doing another person a favor," says counselor Alan Loy McGinnis, Ph.D., in his book The Power of Optimism. He cites an incident when a minister was consulted by a widow who was feeling very despondent near Thanksgiving Day because she could not share the holiday with her beloved husband. The minister responded: "I'm going to give you a prescription to relieve your loneliness. He proceeded to write on a slip of paper the name and address of an elderly couple who were poor and ill with the flu. These people need friendship and assistance. Go visit and see what you can do."
Although uncertain about the prescription, the next day she took a cab to the address she had been given. There, in a tiny basement apartment, she found the couple. They were barely able to fix meals for each other and were frightened that one of them would have to enter a nursing home. Seeing their need, the woman immediately arranged to prepare and bring them Thanksgiving dinner. When she came back to see the minister a few weeks later, she had a new bounce to her step and more vitality in her life. "I had not fixed a turkey since my husband died," she said. "But I shopped for it and all the trimmings. Then I got up at 5 a.m. to put the bird in. When I took it in to them, it resulted in the best Thanksgiving I'd had in years."
• Turn to others when you are hurting. Feelings shared are feelings diminished. If holiday depression threatens to become overly oppressive, share your fears, concerns and anxieties with a trusted friend. "Confiding in others eventually helps you to feel better. Confiding in others not only allows you to vent and clarify your concerns but often makes you feel cared about and valued despite your shortcomings. You feel less alone, more connected," says clinical psychologist Paul Coleman, Ph.D., in his book Life's Parachutes: How to Land on Your Feet During Trying Times.
Consider the pace and the people you enjoy. Many women and men experience holiday depression simply because it becomes too complicated and stressful. "I resolved my Christmas blues quite easily when I established a clearer focus about who I wanted to see and how I wanted to spend the holiday season," says Martha, a Chicago high school teacher. "In past years, I tried to cram in as many activities as I could and see as many relatives and friends as possible. However, as my extended family expanded and circle of friends enlarged it became a monumental task to do that. So, I've scaled back and now spend time with fewer people whose company I truly enjoy."
• Elevate your mood through music. "Music is the moonlight in the gloomy night of life," observed German writer Johann Paul Friedrich Richter. Increasingly, medical researchers are noting the amazing power of music to soothe emotional pain, reduce tension and transform moods. One who uses music to ease depression is Robert Fulghum. In his book, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Fulghum tells of speaking with a woman on the phone who asked what he did to alleviate his times of depression: "My solace is not religion or yoga or rum or even deep sleep. It's Beethoven. As in Ludwig van. He's my ace in the hole. I put his Ninth Symphony on the stereo, pull the earphones down tight and lie down on the floor. The music comes on like the first day of Creation."
• Shop smart. For many the mere thought of holiday gift shopping brings on great emotional stress: the hustle and bustle, the cards and the crowds, the music and the memories of other shopping trips in happier times.
If the thought of holiday shopping is intimidating, do it in other ways which are less stressful. For example, consider shopping by phone or through catalog orders. One widower, whose annual holiday tradition was to do the gift buying with his wife, realized he could not go into the stores for the first year after his wife died. "For me," he said, "the catalogs made shopping a snap allowing me to avoid department stores and malls completely the first time around."
Finally, keep in mind that easing holiday blues means knowing you have the power to tailor the holiday season to meet your changing needs. You can take what you like and leave the rest. By doing so you will feel less overwhelmed, less stressed, less depressed and more able to have a happy holiday.
Victor Parachin is a grief educator and minister in Claremont, CA.